being with sadness

[Bahasa Indonesia]
No, it is not just about today.

This last week has that major theme for me: being with my feelings. Not just sadness, but any kinds of feeling. To see myself going up and down then up and then down and up etc. You get the picture.

It was amazing to be able to watch myself. I can feel the feeling, let say sadness, creeping up on me, physically and emotionally. It brings all sorts of other emotions with it and a whole large-size bag of memories. It may have impacted some people

(I am so sorry if this impacts you. I am also sorry for not being able to tell you what is happening. The overwhelming ego is still well in tact and still manages to stop me from saying more than this.)

I did not realize it at first. But I supposed it did not want to go unnoticed and kept coming back in different forms, trying to get my attention. At last I could not help but notice it, and I was ‘forced’ to retreat into myself.

besharaSo I stepped back. When I step back like this, I become very quiet to some people—others would not even notice it. I need to step back to understand what is going on and what it is trying to educate me on.

What came to me is this. It came from a simple question from a friend: can you share with me your spiritual practice and your spiritual experience? I told him my practice is meditation. Examples of my spiritual experience are my six months in Beshara and sitting alone with books in a coffee shop.

The question remained with me long after I answered the question to him. My spiritual practice is meditation. Is it really? When was the last time I did a ‘proper’ meditation, as in sitting in a proper posture in silence? It has been a long time.

losariSo today I woke up early—as I have been planning for quite sometime but my procrastinating self had managed to stop me. I did my half an hour meditation. Then I read Kernel of the Kernel by Muhyiddin Ibn ‘Arabi. My teacher.

Chapter 1, part of paragraph 1 and 2: “If a Gnostic is really a Gnostic he cannot stay tied to one form of belief. That is to say, if a possessor of knowledge is cognisant of the being in his own ipseity, in all its meanings, he will not remain trapped in one believe. … Whatever his place is in the Divine Knowledge, which is essential knowledge, he remains in that place;”

I translate this passage into: whatever happens to me is His education to me. It is Him opening me to yet another of His revelations. All I need to do is to be. To be still in that place and acknowledge it as His revelation. Be it in a form that is so apparent as education or even a form such as this, a prolonged sadness and anger.

soloThis brings me back to my friend’s question: can you share with me your spiritual practice and your spiritual experience?

I have a new answer for him. My spiritual practice is to be and to be still. My spiritual experience is life.

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