During the past three months, there was one thought that kept going through my mind: is it time for me to leave Jakarta and move somewhere else? Is it time to move on?
Those months were uneasy for me, to say the least. I disliked being stuck in Jakarta traffic, which is quite odd for me as I am usually fine with it. I struggled with some of the activities that I have been doing for the past years. It was unusual.
I felt cramped. I did not like that feeling. Hence, the question arose. Even as I wrote this note, my body started to remember how it felt: the muscles become tense, the head becomes heavy, the eyes strained, and heat rising from inside the body.
I talked about this with a friend. She asked: “If you disregard all the external pressures you have, what would you like to do? Where would you like to be?” Good question. I said I pictured myself in a small village or town, gardening. Occasionally, I’d go to town to meet my friends or they can come and visit me. Yes, I’d like that very much.
I carried that response with me for weeks. I said to myself, I’d take care of the unfinished business here, and I’d start traveling to several places to see whether any of them connects with me.
Thus, I did just that. Having done what needed to be done, I went to Bali for a retreat with Bali Usada—a topic that deserves a separate post on its own, and planned to go to Ubud afterward. Just to see.
I didn’t have to go as far as Ubud to have a different understanding—perhaps a truer one—of my response. During the retreat, a thought crossed my mind: a thought about my mom. I realised I could not traveled that far for so long anymore. It seemed that moving to another place is out of the question for the time being.
So I am staying in Jakarta, I thought. How does this relate to my response of being in a village, gardening. And at that very second, another response surfaced. It all makes sense now.
My village is my current neighborhood, Pondok Pinang, Jakarta. My garden is my front and back yard. And occasionally I’d go to town—to Jakarta city centers—to meet my friends for coffee or lunch. Otherwise, I’d stay quietly in my village.
I need not move anywhere. What I need have already been provided, since a long time ago. And now, I realise that what I need is what I want; what I want is what I need; and it has been provided. I am moving on, yes, but not in the physical sense that I thought I would be. This is much more than that.
Everything I need has been provided. I’m fine. Thank you. Thank God.
Picture was taken from here.