“Because this is your taste”

We were conversing, the three of us. Me and two friends whom I respect very much. We chatted about a way of being, in particular, according to Syekh Siti Jenar.

Questions were coming my way, demanding my immediate response. So immediate that I felt I had no choice but to answer them intuitively. I could only say whatever came to me at that moment; to let them flow with practically no filter. There was no time to think.

I spoke about oneness of being. I spoke enthusiastically about an aspiration to be the blessings for the universe [as quoted in the Qur’an]; about being a servant of God; about following our heart and walking our life path one step at a time; about having no choice but to be—and being glad with it; about being the manifestation of His Names; about witnessing and testifying for God.

I didn’t like my responses. I kept protesting silently to myself about what I said and how I said them. It felt conceptual. I could not bring it to simple examples of everyday life. I thought I could have been more eloquent, clearer, practical, and—to be honest—more positive and light. Nevertheless, what has happened has happened.

It was an odd experience. The conversation flowed. Much thanks to my companions. What’s more interesting to me was the inkling feeling that it was an important moment. I am not sure why. I just felt it was. That is partly why I am writing this post now, as a reflection to it. Perhaps it would shed some more light for me.

My initial thought was that I stuttered. Perhaps I needed more practice in saying what I really want to say. I can do it better when it is somewhat non-personal. When it comes to things that are personal, however, I need more practice. Or so I thought.

Then another thought came. It was not a thought, actually. It was, rather, a surge of emotions. It was a realisation of how much I love this conversation and the strong, somewhat overwhelming, energy that came with it. I realised then, that this is what I am passionate about. This is what I love and how I express my love for it. This is my taste.

I remember about a month or two ago, when I realised–or rather, finally admitted–that this was my taste. At that moment, I just fell into this vast space where I found repose, expansion and lightness. You might say, simply, I have fallen in Love.

Such realisation has taken me to a different state of being. It was a green light for a certain deepening process to happen. I prefer to stay home most of the time, unless I feel the need to go out. I don’t chat much with too many people. I have stopped writing for a while. I still haven’t written for some publications that I usually write for—because I don’t know what to write and how. I pend some things that I need to do. I am feeling emotions like I have never felt them before. I was and still am baffled. I am unsure of what I need to do.

Scratch that. I know what to do, God willing: Nothing, but be. Because I can’t be otherwise. Because this is my taste and my path. It is the taste that I am inclined to. It is the path that has been chosen for me. It is a path that I am willingly and gladly walk upon. Heck, I’d sing and dance on it!

In fact, it is even more than my path. It is who I am. So say yes. Be(come). Make way. Allow space. Give voice. Set it free. Let it express itself. No need to be shy about it. Repose. Flow. Yet stay very still. Fall in Love. Be, in Love.

Falling in Love. How beautiful, beyond the beauty which one can imagine. May I be established in it, with certainty and clarity, with awareness and gratitude, and with He as my only Guide. May He make it easy for me, and for you.

Note to self: Perhaps it is nearly time to write about the Knowledge of the feet.

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