If I ask you to go to a place where you feel most comfortable, where you feel happy most, where would it be?
It took some time to quiet my mind. The mind seems to have its own idea of where that is. But I know that was not it. That was not how we needed to go about it. It felt too fabricated. So I relaxed myself a bit more.
Then I went .. to my Mom’s bedroom. My body shivered. Tears ran down my face.
Mom was there, chilling on her bed. I walked in and laid beside her. We did our usual stuff. We chatted about nothing and everything. We went silent. We looked into each other’s eyes. We laughed. We held hands. Occasionally I gave her a massage (always too short, she felt. she wanted more). We were enjoying each other’s company, each other’s presence.
My happy place. I felt not only content, but also joy. vigor. effortlessness. lightness. vibrance. enthusiasm.
Out of all the places in the world, it was my Mom in her room that came to me. What is it about?
Well, what was your experience of it?
I felt so relaxed. I felt loved. I was seen. I was heard. As I was. I felt completely at ease. I felt like I had been given the permission to be myself, and I knew it.
I also knew I did not have to go anywhere else. I did not have to change into anything else. I was already there. I was already that. I was already loved. I already loved.
I saw so much love in her eyes. Mom was looking, as a song said, through the eyes of love. For how could she not? She was looking at her beloved (me!). She only saw love. She only saw beauty.
Mom loves [present tense] me fully just as I am, unconditionally. Likewise, I love her from the bottom of my heart.
I felt my longing for ‘that’. But, what is ‘that’? I know it is not about my Mom per se, although she was to me the embodient of ‘that’.
‘that’ is the experience of love: how it feels to be love and to love.
The term “the gate of non-existence” came up. I cannot remember how, but it did. Can you say more about it?
I can tell you a lot of things about it. I can give you reference after reference. I can tell you the time when Hazreti Uftade met Aziz Mahmud Hudai and spoke of the words. But that might not be what you needed to hear. (ps: apart from the fact that it is Uftade and Hudai).
What you need to know, or actually I am sure you already know, is that the gate of non existence is not a physical gate. It is a taste. It is a knowing. You arrive at that, and you recognise the taste. It is your true home.
Arriving at your Mom’s bedroom, being with her… provides you with an indication of the taste. You might say, that was your own private gate of non existence. When you (have been made to) let go and let god. When there is only love, only the lover, and only the beloved.
That place – you can sense that there is neither struggle nor striving. It is effortless. In fact, if you can hear me, effort cannot take you there. What is ‘there’ any way? As you can see from your vision of your Mom’s bedroom, you are already (t)here. At that place of love and ease.
Please be mindful that I am not saying you are there there, as in, you can now claim enlightenment. Because that would do you the opposite. It would take you way from the gate, so to speak.
But now you have been given a glimpse. You have been made to (re)cognise it. Let your taste guide you in the matter. And, please, always remember your place of servanthood. Remain in prostration.
… the vision went on.
Wait, there is more that needs to be said. Do you remember about mirror and mirroring? What you see in your mom, you can be that. Actually, you are that. So when you are seen, then see. When you are heard, then hear. When you are loved, then love, unconditionally. When you feel accepted as you are, then accept. When you have been made at ease, then allow others to be at ease. When she feels like home to you, then be a home to some.
You were saying?
… as I said, the vision went on. I went outside of my Mom’s room to our backyard. The colours were much more vibrant than usual. The green was greener. The red was redder. The light was brighter.
I walked on to our back porch. I was met by people. I do not remember who, but people. I was their host. I greeted them gleefully. I spoiled them, a generous host indeed I was. Everyone seemed to be happy and at ease with themselves. They were happy. They were joyful. I was, too. in fact, I had never been so vibrant, light, open, authentic, honest, happy, welcoming, and at ease in my life as I did at that time.
Now that you have a taste of home, carry it to the world. So other can find their home, too, in their own place – that sense of being accepted, heard, seen, and loved as they are. Introduce them to that sense of being at ease. Help them realise that it is possible.
Again, it is important to remember that this is not something you ‘do’. You don’t have to shift into anybody or anything else. You do not ever have to create anything for people to come. Rather, it is something that you ‘are’. You be you, and allow things to be. People will come, if God wills, as they naturally will gravitate to what is already in them. He knows best where to put His servants.
Also remember what I have shared with you a long time ago: you are no better than anyone else. You are not special. I am not saying it in a condescending way. You are unique, just like everyone else is. So you do not rise above them.
Therefore, you do not ever teach, as there is in reality only one Teacher. You converse. You share. You hear. You witness. You serve. You are, especially when you are not.
There is more. Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself, but no matter. Because you do not teach, you do not position yourself as being better than anyone else. Hence, you forever are a student. You keep learning. You attend other people’s gatherings, where they share.
Do choose wisely, as this is you giving them a nod. Remember, let the taste guide you in the matter.
Then you connect. You suggest or point people to where they can go, if they so desire, according to what feels suitable. You can point them to the places of Light. Where it is – to each their own, and you serve that. You see why cleanliness is so important here? You can only be a clear mirror when you faithfully polish it.
There will be times when the pointing is to your own taste, that is, to the gate of non-existence, the way of servanthood. Serve that, too. Share with them the good news, or as they say in turkish- arabic: Beshara.
… so what is next?
Are you still asking? You have been told years ago, and you can sense the truth in it, that you do not need to plan or goal set. Your work is you. Thus, work on yourself. Free yourself from the limiting beliefs and symbols. So that you can see that any symbol can be valid. There is in reality no contradiction, if you can rise above all those. Embrace it all.
This is a lot to take in.
Well, yes, but not really. How can who you already are be a burden to you? Take it one step at a time. Stay simple. If you feel the need to interpret or seek meaning, then you have gone too far. Your work is what has been put right under your nose. What is in front of you right now? That is your work. It is simpler than you think.
Remember: Truth is simple. If it is not simple, perhaps it is not it.
Then, do not hold back. It is no time to hesitate. There is no room for that anymore. Nor there is any point to resist it. This is what you truly love. He gives each thing its nature and guides it. That includes you.
So give it your all. You know you want to. Remember that girl that is full of the zest of life and does not take life too seriously? Who always seems to be fascinated with all things and thus excited to learn? Forever an eager student. Oh there she is. Hello. It is time.
And there is one more thing: relax.
There is nowhere to go. You are already here. You are already it.
Let your taste guide you in the matter. God knows best and He guides the way.